During the Olympics more than one wit has noticed that Team GB has excelled in sports with one thing in common, they involve us sitting on our backsides.
When it comes to sitting down sports, from cycling to rowing, we rule the world.
Well, in light of that it’s only right that we look to see what other sit-down sports are out there that we could turn our hand to and increase our sporting dominance.
Taking my inspiration, as usual, from the world of retro gaming here are a few suggestions, courtesy of Western Games, an old favourite on the C64:
Bean Eating Competition
Well OK, in Western Games you take part in a stew eating contest, but seeing as we’re looking at ways for Team GB to beat the rest of the competition I think a bean eating contest would be better for the country that gifted the world Heinz Beans. Plus it’s what I remembered it as so I’d have to rewrite all my jokes if I had it as stew, so there.
We all know that beans are a musical fruit, and what better place to play such sweet music than at an Olympic games?
We Brits love our beans so it shouldn’t be too hard to find amongst our number a potential champion bean eater.
In Western Games you have to balance the amount you eat with the amount of water you drink – too much and you bloat, too little and your mouth dries and slows you down. In the game it’s as much a battle to control your joystick as anything else, but I’m guessing in the fury of the Olympics there’d be much copious water-based vomiting, dry mouth and wind breaking. Given the carnage at the BMX this couldn’t be much worse.
I’m confident that if we had an eating contest in Rio 2016 it would come down to GB versus Mexico, and the added combustability of the spicy Mexican bean could favour Britain in a bean-off.
Because of course, you would be automatically disqualified if you follow-through.
Not a traditional GB sport this, but who couldn’t fail to be inspired by Sly Stallone’s classic film Over the Top? If what that film says is true, and I see no reason to believe why it isn’t, then all you have to do to turn into a world class arm wrestler is wear a scratty baseball cap and turn it backwards.
Issue a VHS copy to GB’s athletes and watch the gold medals roll in. Simple.
GB dairy farmers have been embroiled in a fair bit of controversy of late in their long running dispute over how much they are paid by suppliers, so what better distraction than by training for Rio 2016 for the first ever gold medal in milking a cow?
Of course, as most of our dairy farming is now mechanised, it might involve re-learning some traditional hand-based skills, but imagine buying a pint of Olympic Gold milk? Marvellous.
There are also other contests in Western Games that, while they involve standing up, involve standing up and not moving very much, if at all, and therefore GB would still have an excellent chance of gaining a medal in them.
Spitting, beer shooting and dancing – that’s all in a Saturday night for Brits like us.
If the contests in Western Games were Olympic sports it’d be a clean sweep of golds for sure.